Wednesday, 27 April 2016

Tinder Tales - Observations Of A Tinderella

If you're single, or have been in the last few years, then the chances are that at some point you've downloaded Tinder and indulged in a wine infused swiping marathon once or twice. Somehow my fellow millennials (well done guys) have created a new strategy in the dating arena that showcases our disappointingly shallow nature and our ability to do the opposite of what we were taught as children - not to judge a book by it's cover. What's more, it's thoroughly shameless as well. The fact that my generation created a culture that required the creation of Tinder makes me a *little* bit ashamed. Especially now the app takes space on the phone of almost every single person I know, mine included. And it really doesn't fill me with great confidence for the next generation of daters. What developmental spin can they put on Tinder to outdo us? Terrifying really isn't it?!

That said, I can't deny that I've been a Tinder user, in fact, more than once in my single-gal journey. It's been downloaded (and then deleted) on several occasions due to various things: from boredom to intrigue - and occasionally a smidgen of loneliness. However it's never on my phone for very long before the annoyance and/or frustration drives me to delete it and swear to myself I'll never download it again. (Even though I know full well that I likely will.) So, I would't call myself a Tinder expert (good Lord, I couldn't think of a worse title to acquire) but I feel like I've already observed enough to be able to write a small book on the Tinder Tales and Observations of Lady Writes.

My most recent Tinder Tales have been much the same as previous - all very...meh. However I noticed this time round that there were actually some Tinder versions of the Loch Ness Monster - actual hotties. However after a couple, it returned to slim pickings. Why you do this to me Tinds?

I also realised that this time round I wasn't quite as engrossed in Tinder as I should be, and subsequently I ended up swiping right accidentally on some seriously questionable profiles. Warning: don't drink and Tinder.

Another observation would be that you're highly likely to suffer at least one case of the ex when swiping. It's best to be prepared for this moment, otherwise your curiosity will get the better of you and you'll either a.) consider or b.) actually swipe right just to see if they right swipe back. If they do - awks. If they don't, it's rejection all over again or indignation at the very least. Prepare for this moment - remind yourself of your ex at their worst, then when they come up, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD SWIPE LEFT.

However, these are all minor observations, compared to the many things I've noticed on the vast majority of profiles belonging to those I'm looking at with the potential of dating... And let me tell you fellas, that hilarious picture from 2012 with your cat isn't going to make me right swipe. Not even if you look like Tom Hardy...Okay, maybe if you look like Tom Hardy. But unless you look like a Greek God on a good day, those cat lover, pet owning pictures that we all snapchat our besties? Save them for your mates. It's not going to attract us to a man who's first impression is that he loves his cat more than most people. Harsh but true.

Likewise - what possesses a person to post an entire Tinder profile full of pictures of themselves partying? Most of us like to party (on a range from occasionally to frequently) however, I hate to break it to you, but if every picture you're showing us is with you dancing around a bottle of Grey Goose, then I'm not swiping right mate, I'm just not. While I'm not looking to get married tomorrow, who wants a party-boy? Everything that goes with that mentality is not conducive to being boyfriend material. So while you might look hot to trot with your muscles freshly flexed in the middle of da club, let me tell you this: it's not doing you any favours. Moderation - show us a couple of party shots and then a few non-party ones, not hard is it?

Another thing: put your pecks away! Don't get me wrong, I love a man who takes care of himself. In fact, I frequently rewind DVD's just to watch Zac Efron take his top off multiple times, but not on a dating profile gents. Why? Because it makes you look like you love yourself. Which is vom-worthy. Tease us with it, don't give us everything on the profile, there's no need to swipe right at all then... Case and point being a recent profile where every picture was a shot of his body going lower and lower - just incase the one overall shot didn't show off his torso in enough detail (it did). If you love your body that much, how will you have enough space in your heart to love me?! AND, quite frankly, if your pecks are bigger than my boobs - well, I'm swiping left. Same applies for cheekbones. Just because.

Another observation, while I'm at it, would be the bio-benders. Those who bend the need for a bio and don't have one...who even are you?! How am I supposed to analyse your ability to spell without that? I don't want to lead you on, but fella, if you can't spell, I'ma unmatch you so quick that it's best to avoid matching at all. Also, what if you live with a hoard of animals that I'm allergic to? (I'm not allergic to animals at all by the way) or if you wash your hair with shampoo that I can't stand the smell of? See, a bio is important. It helps us gauge you. BLOKES: YOU NEED A BIO.

And my latest observation is also my biggest pet peeve on Tinder. Gentlemen of the world, why do you feel the need to say (as quickly as possible) that "the child" doesn't belong to you? Heaven forbid we might think you've got children and have the maturity of raising another human being? You know, because having children is such a lot of baggage isn't it in this day and age? It's quite often the very first (or second) thing on a profile if there is even a child within 50m of a photo shot. Fastest way to make me swipe left, even if you tick every other box.

And finally - a word of advice to the male population of Tinder users - please, please don't post your wedding picture on your profile. I'm going to explain why, because clearly it's so difficult for a surprising number of you: if you're married, WE DON'T WANT YOU. And we HOPE your wife finds out, and cuts your gonads off. If you are no longer married, we're unlikely to want you either - seeing as you're clearly not over your ex. That's okay, just take your rebound elsewhere until your heart's healed, and then we might actually consider swiping right...(I'd genuinely LOVE to know how many men get swiped right when they have profile pictures like this.)

So there you have it - my Tinder tales and observations, version one... Or should I just retitle this post 'My Tinder Rant'?! What's your experiences on Tinder, do you have the above feels too?!


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