Motherhood is one of those things - you look at it from afar and have these fairytale images in your head. You imagine yourself running through fields of flowers, with rainbows and unicorns in the background, hand in hand with your little cherub, with nothing but the wind in your hair and a smile on your face.
Before you have children, you might spend years longing to reproduce - or you might not, and it just happens. Either way, the image in your head isn't quite the picture of parenting reality. (That's not a bad thing by the way - I genuinely adore being my son's mummy.) No - if you ever find yourself in a field with your child then you're most likely there because you've had to pull an emergency stop on the A1 and rush your child to said field to relieve themselves in order to save the car seat from disaster...not so much the unicorns and rainbows.
So, let me enlighten you to what it means to be the mother of a boy, just so you know...
1. My feet can never touch the floor in my house. Ever. Slippers must be worn at all costs, because if not, that lego will find it's way underfoot and cause more pain than a train hitting you. Plus you then have to deal with the wailing that comes when your son discovers you've broken his prized...castle/police station/house or other newly built thing (who knows what it actually is).
2. The words willy/bits/winky/do-dah are all too present in your vocabulary. In fact it's weird when your non-parent friends discuss their boyfriends manhood as a 'penis' - because quite frankly you haven't referred to it as anything as adult as that for half a decade.
3. Explaining the difference between boys and girls to a 5 year old is hard. It's even harder when you're a single mum because you can't pass that conversation on to another winky owning human.
4. Make-up is like something sparkly to a magpie. You tell my son he can't have something and he wants it. He thinks my lip crayons are felt tips and he's desperate to use them in his Avengers colouring book. BACK OFF BUDDY they cost £15 each!!
5. My son has no filter. He asked the person at the checkout once if they were a boy or a girl (he's a bit obsessed with the difference at the moment). I was mortified, but to be fair to him, I didn't know either. That lack of filter can cause great embarrassment - but also provide hilarious giggles...once you've walked away from said cashier.
6. He thinks he's the boss. Apparently the whole 'man of the house' attitude is instinctive because my son thinks that's exactly what he is. He thinks he can TELL me what he wants for tea, he thinks it's okay to say "Mummy, you can't eat the last chocolate finger - it's mine." I don't think so little man - I'll arm wrestle you for it.
7. He actually is a spy. No really, he is. He can sense a smuggled in cake like a sniffer dog and when my boyfriend stayed over for the first time he knew someone else was in the house - without there being any trace of him. He's going to be the next James Bond.
8. I find toy cars and mini avengers in my handbag. Constantly.
9. He's sassy. So sassy. He's sarcastic too. I'm super proud when he says something sarcastic - I'm like "Awww, he's a chip off the old block isn't he?" as other people look at me with weird expressions. Who said five year olds couldn't be sarcastic?
10. He's way cooler than me. I've accepted that I am just too uncool because of how cool he is. He doesn't ever tell me I'm uncool (yet) but I just look at him in his cool skinny jeans and khaki padded jumper (that I picked) and watch him swagger into his reception classroom in the mornings, and I know it. He's way cooler than me. I'm happy with that.
11. He already knows the difference between girlfriends and girl friends. I feel like this is a bad thing because he's going to break some poor girls hearts with that "Let's be friends" line soon.
12. Scooters. Just scooters. They are wheeled things from hell. If you forget it in the morning you're not getting a kiss goodbye at the classroom door and you just know he's dobbing you in to his teacher for being the most forgetful mum in the world.
13. If you swear infront of my son, he's going to repeat it - usually in front of the old waiter, your Nan or your Christian friends. Either way, you think it's hilarious, they might not. Ground. Open
14. You can't remember a weekend when Lego Hereos, Avengers and Thomas the Tank didn't have to be on screen constantly. Forget a lazy Sunday watching a film. It's Choo-Choo Thomas or nuthin'.
15. When you go into Lush you can't just treat yourself. No, you have to treat him too because bath time is only fun when you have a robot shaped bath bomb apparently.
16. He's going to want to leave the house dressed as a superman, firefighting ninja turtle all at the same time - and I'm going to have to let him...
But you know what? I wouldn't have it any other way! Parenthood might not be unicorns and rainbows all the time but it's friendship like no other, laughter that comes from the bottom of your belly and a love so fierce you even forgive your little cherub for following you to the toilet on a daily basis...you might still want to hide the chocolate fingers though!