Tuesday, 30 June 2015

"I'm a choice, not an option"

Every morning I wake up with a cup of tea in bed and read Elite Daily. Other than waking up next to Mr Wonderful, it's my favourite way to start the day. The articles are fab, spot on for my mentality and I love the style their contributors use. You could say that I'm a full blown Elite fan.

So this morning the article that caught my eye was "Don't Pick Me: Why I'd Rather Be Alone Than In A Cheaters Company" by Hanna Mallette. Just the juicy way I like to start my day!

Reading the article, I wanted to applaud, and personally congratulate Hanna, on writing such a fab-it's-amazing-to-be-a-woman post. But by the time I reached the end, I felt a mixture of pride for my fellow women everywhere, and also absolutely indignant at the same time.

The article basically says that if a guy is going to cheat, then he's not worth it - obvs.

"If there is ever a situation where you feel you need to pick between me and someone else, don’t you dare pick me." Writes Mallet.

I loved the way she describes herself, and all of us, as a choice, and not an option. She's right because ultimately I wouldn't be with someone who classed me as an option rather than their choice. An option implies more than one, and I'm not going to be with someone to whom I'm anything but their first, and only current choice.

To me, cheating is the ultimate betrayal in a relationship. Really, what else could cut like that knife?

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be best pleased if my man ruined my Louboutins, or finished the Bombay Sapphire, but that I may be able to forgive... (maybe). I'm quite forgiving, so most things I'm prepared to work through, but cheating isn't one of them. I used to believe in second chances when it came to this, but now I don't. I realised years ago that if someone has the capacity to hurt you that way, they have the capacity to hurt you in every other way just as much - and who wants a lifetime of misery? It's either a testament to their lack of morals as a person, or painfully, a testament to their lack of feelings for me. So, ultimately there would be no going back for me.

Cheating. It's unforgivable. Everyone knows this. If your feelings are strong enough, you don't do it. If they aren't, you're happy to take the risk. So, when I read that Mallette said that "sometimes cheating is inevitable" I nearly dropkicked my Mac through the window.

No it isn't!

If cheating really was (sometimes) inevitable, then what the hell are we all doing in monogamous relationships - lets just go and have sex with anyone and everyone who takes our fancy. Hell, if it's inevitable, why even bother?

Yes. People change, they grow apart. We've all been there. And yes, it's true that sometimes during relationships our partners might not always meet our 'desires' - for example, my desire might be to get drunk and silly in the garden, go and watch a non-man-friendly chick film at the cinema, or even just to go to bed early once in a while. If my partner disagreed with these, or didn't meet these desires, is it my excuse to go and cheat on him? I know that's a very flexible answer, but even so, if he kept not meeting my desires, would that meant he deserved being cheated on? NO.

Cheating is not inevitable. There is no excuse. If you're unhappy, work harder to be happy. Relationships aren't easy. The real ones, the ones that last, are the ones that take as much hard work as happiness. Nothing worth having ever came easy. So if you're growing apart, make the effort to grow through things together. You might not have the same taste in fashion, or politics, but you can support each other through changes like this. Thats the very bottom line of what a relationship should be for.

So, if you're unhappy - work harder. But sadly sometimes this isn't enough and I know this first hand. I'm of the opinion that people give up way too easily (speaking from my own personal experience too) but I wouldn't ever judge anyone on this. Only us as individuals can truly say whether we've tried our hardest to salvage a failing relationship, or whether we just let it wither and die because it was easier. I say this because I've let things go too easily myself and not because i'm condemning anyone else. So yes, sometimes relationships don't work. You meet all the wrong people, until you meet the right one, hey? That means, if you're unhappy - leave. Don't prolong the agony, don't cheat. A failing relationship isn't an excuse, or a reason to cheat. It's a reason to make yourself happy again - without hurting anyone else, any more than necessary. I refuse to be of the opinion that it's inevitable, acceptable or understandable in any way.
I totally agree that if a partner cheats, it's means you're probably not right for each other, although I expect there will be the odd exception to the rule. And yes, I loved the end of the article which screams of the strength we as women possess, especially in the face of horrific heartache... yes we will be better versions of ourselves if we're cheated on, yes we will be stronger, yes we will learn and yes we will eventually come to the realisation that the right person for us wouldn't ever inflict that sort of searing pain on us. But I'm sorry Mallette, cheating for any rhyme or reason is wrong. I wouldn't do it, and I think the only person worse than a cheater, is the cheater who tries to justify the deed with the reasons in your article.

I'm all for solidarity, and go-women-we-rock, but if we give excuses for cheating, I kind of think we're asking for it. 

Which I'm not. So thanks, but no thanks. I won't be re-thinking my lack of sympathy for cheaters any time soon.

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