Tuesday, 31 March 2015

Mr BoyToy


Last night was my first date with Mr BoyToy, named aptly so because he's a younger man. Thus making me a cougar for the first time in my life - a cradle snatcher, a perv, a predator - all names that got thrown around (in jest) on the date.

I've NEVER considered dating someone younger than me before. I struggle to find a guy my own age who's maturity stretches past the Playstation, drunken weekends and lots of one-night stands. So I was as surprised as anyone when we started messaging online and seemed to hit it off. So much was our similar sarcastic sense of humour that I thought I had nothing to loose...except maybe the last shred of my dignity if it went tits up, and I spent the night listening to how much he loved Call of Duty and doesn't know how to use an iron, washing machine or toaster because his mum still does everything for him. Throwing caution to the wind, I agreed to go on a date with him, but promised myself that if he said the word "X-box" even once, then I would feign an emergency and leg it.

I should point out that he's 25, only two years younger than me. So I may be over reacting a touch. But the closer I get to the big 3-0, the more sensitive I get about age.

He also told me that he had only just come out of a long term relationship three months ago, so I was a bit wary of that too. The word "rebound" was floating around my brain. However my best friend is dating someone after he split up with his previous partner only 6 weeks before. And my ex met his finance three months after we separated. So maybe my mothership was right, maybe men do move on quicker. Heck, he made me laugh, from the bottom of my belly, and that's rare. So the evening was a goer.

Prior to our date he had received major brownie points as he quickly realised that a sense of humour (and muscles) is the way to my heart. He sent me daily meme's of the hilarious variety, sometimes quite a few each day, just to make me smile. His humour was borderline insulting at times, but as a fellow sarcastic humour fan, I could appreciate it. Mostly.

On date night, he was the only one of my dates to pick me up - more brownie points. It was very gentlemanly and only slightly alarming getting into a confined space with a virtual stranger.

We went to one of my favourite restaurants/bars, with a great relaxed vibe. As it was a school night, it was quiet with a nice mellow atmosphere. We ordered drinks and I was pleased to find that he loved gin as much as me - winner.

We spent nearly three hours chatting about all sorts. We touched on some serious topics, funny topics and some past experiences. Even covering our opinions on recreational drugs (he had tried some in his teens, I've never tried any) and the importance of mortgages in 2015 (I rent, he's getting a mortgage), it was a real mixed barrel of chat! It was an easy conversation to keep going as we flowed from one topic to the next, and even if we had differing views, it wasn't a problem as he was such a chilled out personality it didn't feel like a clash. Being around him just put me at ease. As we walked back to the car I realised that was the most relaxed I had felt on a date, ever.

He dropped me home and text me half an hour later thanking me for my company (you're welcome Mr BoyToy) and by the next morning I had heard from him before 9am too - my daily meme. Not knowing how to broach the subject of the second date he had mentioned last night, I asked him outright if he was free this weekend then maybe we should do something. He agreed and suggested a day time date with something fun like crazy golf and lunch. Winner. Well, loser actually because I'm crap at crazy golf.

Mr BoyToy has text me all day, just general chit chat, but also he's also thrown in the odd compliment. Including how much he found my laugh "cute". This is a huge relief because I often think I sound like a horse on speed when I laugh.

Not my usual type, he's not super muscle-man, but he does go to the gym regularly. He's also quietly confident rather than a show-off (yes, I've dated some douchebags) and it fits with his sarcastic humour. He's taller than me (very important), he's got dark hair, dressed well (even if typically for a 25 year old) and has a good job, morals and good life goals. He also lives two streets away - very conveiniant.

So, Mr BoyToy you've been granted a second date, what will you do with it?

Date Rate: 8/10
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Sunday, 29 March 2015

Mr Dog Lover


You know it's the sign of a bad date, when the best part is coming home to a chocolate hobnob and your fluffy slippers. You know it's a horribly hilarious date, when the best part is looking forward to blogging about it.

Mr Dog Lover had promise. He was hench - the body building type of hench that makes me swoon. He had tattoos, and for some reason I find this strangely attractive nowadays - don't judge me. He had a good job, appeared to dress well (according to his photo's) and was 8 years older than me, with a good level of maturity. For the previous ten days his messages had been consistent, spelt well and with equal amounts of questions and answers which helped to prolong the conversation. Last night was our first (and only) date.

We were meeting at a pub in my hometown, a lively bar with a good atmosphere. He was waiting outside for me and my first impression was one of feeling very, very pleased for myself. He was undeniably a hottie. Okay, his actual height didn't match with his profile declared 5"11, but in heels he was only slightly shorter than me. He was so easy on the eye that I didn't care that much.

The first alarm bell sounded by the time we sat down with our first drinks (him with diet coke and me with a G&T). He wasn't camp, but his personality didn't match his macho image. At all. He was very feminine. It was such a contrast to his image that I felt a bit off kilter, and swiftly downed my G&T trying to find my foundations again.

Now, I'm a chatterbox. I talk a lot. A LOT. But this guy talked at me for most of the night, not even about anything interesting. He was a maths teacher and he talked a lot about that. At one point I tried to lighten the mood and explain that maths wasn't my strong point, and I couldn't even tell him what pi meant (chortle, to which he wasn't amused). He tried to start explaining it, and when I questioned (in a light hearted way) whether he was teaching me maths on our date, and whether he would get cross if I still didn't understand pi at the end (because it was unlikely I would), his reply was to tell me that he would indeed be cross if I didn't even take the opportunity to listen. I felt like I was at school, and swiftly shut up, sat back and let him explain, like a scolded schoolgirl. And i hated school. He then told me how much pi excited him, and showed me his tattoo of it in dedication to his passion. This dude loved maths so much he had it tattooed on him. The pi symbol. That is just plain weird.

The next big faux-pas he made was when he asked about my son, and what qualities he had that I found endearing. I don't really like to mix talking about my son and being on a date, especially in the beginning, but I told him that my son is a little genius, funny, happy and always smiling. His response was to show me more pictures of his prized dog (he had sent me quite a few pictures before our meeting) and liken her endearing qualities to that of my son. I was so amused/insulted that he could liken my son to his dog that I had to swallow my drink before I spat it out laughing. I should have taken the hint at how obsessed he was with his dog when I initially noted one of his profile pictures was with with said companion. This dog came up in conversation a lot through the night, he even told me that when he walks her in the rain, he holds the umbrella over her rather than himself, and he buys her clothes. Lots of them. He even told me about her toilet habits when they go for walks. If I hadn't have needed to drive myself home, I would have drowned my sorrows into a shot of anything strong by this point.

The next thing was his life story. Which isn't a bad thing, but he clearly hadn't heard of oversharing. I felt like his therapist! He told me he hadn't dated anyone until the last 3/4 years and was a virgin until then as well. TMI Mr Dog Lover, TMI. Luckily he carried on talking about his twenties and how 'awful' they were - he was addicted to the gym and looking good and lost all his friends, he had a job he hated and didn't know what career path to take and he watched "his father treat his mother badly because he was so insecure she was having an affair". Now generally, I would feel sorry for the last one, but the way he said it was almost condescending. He analysed his parents marriage with no real experience of his own and then told me they were on holiday for a month at present. He told me how much he missed them, and said sometimes he really missed them (hinting he would cry)....More Gin needed. Every person he told me about, had something wrong with them - they did cocaine, they were an alcoholic, they were bad with money etc. I started to worry what label he would give me by the time he moved on to someone else...'single mother with glazed eyes who couldn't even feign interest after two hours of being talked at'?

He was also insulted by the loud noise in the bar (It wasn't loud) and looked so uncomfortable I took my cue graciously and asked him if he wanted to leave. He did. I was relieved. He wanted to go to another bar, but I pointed in the direction of my car and made it clear that wasn't going to happen. As I turned round to say goodbye, he took me totally by surprise and took my face in his hands and kissed me. I was so surprised I don't think I reacted at all. What part of my non-talking, smiling, nodding and glazed expression all night had given him the indication I wanted him to kiss me?! He told me he wanted to see me again and would text me. I was still in a state of shock from the blindside kiss that I mumbled something that probably wasn't even english, and walked to the car.

Mr Dog Lover is a maths loving, dog adoring, feminine drama queen. But he was the hottest guy i've been on a date with, ever. And he was an amazing kisser. Dammit.

Just when I contemplated seeing him again on the basis that I could stare at his muscles and zone out to his voice, I remembered something... He told me about his quest for this year - to wear a different suit and tie combination to work every day, without ever duplicating (so he had nearly 50 suits, 80 ties and 15 pairs of shoes) and he was making a collage to show the years worth of outfits in photographs. He even had a system of putting the used clothes to the back of the rail to "avoid mistakes and outfit cross contamination".

Indeed, no matter how much I loved his muscles, I can't date someone who does this for fun. FUN.

Thank goodness for my gym membership - muscle views on tap, without the maths or dog chat at the same time.

I do however understand pi a little bit now.

Date Rate: 1/10
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Saturday, 28 March 2015

The Non-Negotiables


When I first started to think about online dating, a good friend told me to make a list of non-negotiables. She explained that when she met her now husband, this is what she did. Having not heard of this before, she explained that it does exactly what it says on the tin - it's a list of things that are non-negotiable in the partner you want, so you know when to press on, or back off.

Kind of like a list of pro's and con's, except you have to be really, brutally honest and give yourself some foundations. It's easy to get caught up in the moment of meeting someone (who's hot, funny, has a job and has his own teeth) and think you'll throw caution to the wind and dive right in. Heck, he's so funny and his teeth are so straight that it doesn't matter if he's got a weirdly close relationship with his mother, or that he farts in public from your second date onwards. (Yes I have dated both of these men).

So the Non-Negotiable list contains the things that actually, you can't/won't budge on. You can then create a Negotiable list, which contains the things you would be able to over-look.

I need to point out that I need these lists. Such is my desire to find someone to date that I need to put rules in place to still my beating heart when Mr-I-Spend-The-Date-On-My-Phone flashes me a hot smile, and I decide that I might be able to overlook it. He's hot after all right? NO.

So, this is my Non-Negotiable list:
1. He must have his own teeth. If he has teeth which aren't his, they need to be there because of some tragic/interesting story, rather than any other poor-hygiene reason.
2. He should have a job. Any job.
3. He needs to drive. I'm not up for playing taxi-driver all the time, where's the chivalry in that.
4. He must know how to spell, and use good grammar. If he uses the word "hun" he's a goner.
5. He shouldn't be an emotional game-player. Who wants to be constantly questioning whether "I will see you later" means it's over, or see you soon?
6. He doesn't have to have a sarcastic sense of humour, but he does need to be able to understand mine. He's going to think I'm the rudest person alive otherwise.
7. He's got to like children. The fact I have one means he has to like it or leave. This includes being prepared to dress up like spider-man for birthday parties.
8. He's got to be a gentleman. I can cope with splitting bills, this is the 21st century. But I still want doors opened for me and good morning texts etc.My friends, chivalry is not dead.
9. He's got to believe in marriage. Woah. I used the "M" word. Call me old fashioned but I want the white dress, the church, the party and then the lifetime together. That's my dream, it needs to be his too.
10. He's got to be single when we meet. 'Nuff said.

So, my friends, there you have it. This is the guy I'm looking for. Yes I would like his to be tall, dark and handsome, with witty banter, no weird ex's hanging around and a romantic tendency that makes me swoon. But, in this day and age you can't be that picky. So i will just go with the above.

Please.


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Wednesday, 25 March 2015

My First Lesson



My first lesson in online dating is something that I should have been able to avoid. Sadly wearing my oversized clod-hoppers, I waded directly into this one.

I seem to have attracted a bit of an online stalker who just won't take the hint - and by this point the hint is a massive, flashing, neon sign that screams "NO THANKS".

I will call him Mr Dee.

Mr Dee started messaging me on Match last month. He seemed nice, and although he only had a few pictures, he wasn't ogre looking, so I exchanged a few messages with him. After a bit of back and forth, I was about to log off and head out, so I sent him a quick message with my number telling him to text me if he wanted to continue the chat. Within minutes, minutes, I had a message. I raised an eyebrow, but even then the alarm bells weren't ringing.

I had a busy day doing Lady Writes things - the gym, waxing my eyebrows to make sure they didn't resemble a caterpillar...you know, that kind of day. Mr Dee and I swapped a few messages but the conversation wasn't thrilling. Sometimes that's okay as people can be a bit reserved, but it wasn't just that, his spelling and grammar had nose-dived too. Massively. Now I might sound like a prude here, because I know that this isn't everyone's strong point, but for me I need to date someone who spells. And knows how to use a comma. I'm also quite keen that they know the difference between your/you're. It's probably because my job is in Communications, but anyone who abbreviates and uses words like "u" and "luv" is not going to be the man for me. So when he then called me "hun" several times, I knew it wasn't meant to be. This word can only be used by girlfriends, and with mine it's usually when one of us is sobbing into wine and ice-cream over the latest heartbreak in our group. Sadly for Mr Dee, he signed his own fate. I swiftly deleted the message without replying. Yes. I'm a wimp and didn't explain. BUT, we only swapped a few messages, we didn't sign  contract (my bad).

The next day came another message asking if I was okay (because he hadn't heard back obviously). I deleted it again. Another one several hours later, asking if everything was okay because I was quiet. How did he know i was quiet?! He'd messaged me for a total of two days, he knew nothing about my quiet side (because it doesn't exist).

This went on for a week, but seemed to stop after that, and I felt relieved. I imagined waking up to his face pressed against my window. Creepy.

Sadly something sparked his interest again. He messaged me again, and the texting began again, by this point asking me to tell him if I wasn't interested anymore. At this point mate, was it even a question, or a full blown conclusion?!

Still I ignored his nothing if not persistent messages until I blocked him on whatsapp. Within 30 seconds he text me asking why I did that. Now I was a little bit angry and indignant because of his constant messaging so I did send him a reply commending him on his persistence, but said I didn't think we were compatible because he was too demanding. I wished him all the best with finding a nice girl. He called me rude. I blocked him from my phone.

If there is never another post on this blog again please send the police.

Mr Dee, I commend your persistence, but I recommend you invest in a dictionary. And learn to take a hint.
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Monday, 23 March 2015

Mr First Date

Mr First Date was my first.

Not that first, but the first of my quest to find a great man (or just a man would do) via selected outlets available for online dating.

We met on Match, on my first day as a member, and he was good looking and ten years older than me (I like men to be older than me). Within hours we were messaging back and forth, and I was happy to find that we shared the same sarcastic humour, as well as both having children and both being professional types. The banter continued over the week, as he made the effort to send me good morning texts (always get brownie points for that) and call me in the evenings. I dared myself to think that I might have found someone interesting on my very first attempt.

Our date happened mid way between our hometowns, which was only a ten minute train ride for me. We were going to a nice country pub with a classy feel. I spent ages agonising (torturing) myself with outfit choices that night because I really wanted to impress this one. I decided on skinny jeans, nude heels and a grey silk top with a bit of sparkle around the neckline for a feminine touch. Finished with a black blazer and newly purchased, happily coordinated handbag, I felt ready to go.

I arrived at the train station and he was no-where to be seen. Five minutes later I got a text saying he was running late and would be there in ten minutes. Not the best start.

Fifteen minutes later I was freezing cold, my teeth were chattering and my just-stepped-off-the-train confidence had been replaced by annoyance. He pulled up and apologised, I got in his car and I asked (told) him to turn the heating on before I came down with frostbite, thanks to him. He overslept, he said. Nice to know how bothered he was.

When we arrived we swapped our pre-arranged joke gifts. Let me tell you, this was the best ice breaker ever, so if you need one, do this! I had given him a framed picture with Frank and Pat Butcher posing. (Our joke via text was that I could arrive, and actually look like Pat. I don't). I told him it was a memento of our first date, his laughter gave me great satisfaction. He gave me the most hideously awful looking/sounding zombie film. The type that's so bad you have to laugh (I did). He had actually listened when I told him the type of films I liked - more brownie points were mentally awarded, but hadn't yet made up for his lateness.

The date lasted from 8:30-11pm and we talked non-stop. We laughed a lot, we flirted, we drank at least five drinks each and covered weird and wonderful topics in-between. He was as good looking as his photo's, but I quickly discovered that his profile-listed height of 5'7 was a bit on the generous side, and therefore in my heels I was taller than him. Hugely disappointing. He was also a charmer with an Essex accent, which usually would be a turn off, but actually was massively endearing with his personality. And probably thanks to the five G&T's.

By the end of the evening, we were the last ones in the pub, still chatting and laughing, and flirting more than ever. He was tactile, touching my arm throughout the date and when he took hold of my hand, I admit I got butterflies. We sat there alcohol induced, smiling (with hindsight, like goons) at one another until our cab arrived. As we drove to the train station, he took my hand again. (I gather this is how men 10 years older do things). When we arrived at the station, he kissed me twice which totally took me by surprise, and I imagine I looked like a puffer fish, and in my shock I forgot to move any part of my face in response. Not my finest moment. I got out of the cab, and off he drove. I stood there a little shell shocked.

Left on my own at a random train station with a bunch of scary looking, hoody wearing men, as my 'charming' date drove off. I was very unimpressed. And freezing once again. When I got home, I text him to let him know I'd arrived safely. His reply was "that's a bonus. x" Appreciating what I assumed (hoped) was his sarcasm, I went to bed thinking that even if he wasn't the most gentlemanly (that can be re-taught) he was great company, easy on the eye and I'm sure that i could buy him some shoes with a hidden platform.

Unfortunately over the next few days he all but disappeared. Our heavy texting slowed down, and I actually wondered if he was dead at one point. I had to fight the temptation to contact him constantly and tried my hardest to play it cool. Which is not my strongest point.

By the third day I had lost my patience and when he contacted me, I asked him outright (with softened edges) where I stood. He replied several hours later flattering my ego, but saying he hadn't felt a spark and asking if we could be friends. My first reaction was indignation, I don't really think it's appropriate to go around kissing people if there's no spark. But hey, maybe I'm old fashioned. Either that, or the puffer fish kiss had been weird for him too.

Friends? Yes, I said. Gutted, I felt. But hey-ho, I liked the guy, we got on well, so why not?

Then I saw on Facebook a message from the night after our date, from a woman thanking him for the previous night (especially the "after party") and saying she hoped to see him soon.

We haven't spoken since.

Date Rate: 6/10
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