Tuesday, 25 August 2015

Best Friends With Benefits


I’m not thinking about getting married any time soon (obviously).

However something that my ex said to me has been on my mind quite a lot…we were talking about marriage partners (oo-er, maybe that’s why we broke up). We had been to a wedding where the bride and groom referred to each other as their ‘best friend’. Not unusual right? How often do we see those newsfeed posts when someone’s engaged or married, and they are so excited to be marrying their best friend? (Cute but vomit inducing for the single people of the world).

Normal right?

Well according to my ex, he would rather not get married at all than marry a woman who was his best friend. Weird right?

He said he had a best friend already, and didn’t need another one. He said he only wanted to marry a woman who made him want to rip her clothes of all the time…

This made me indignant at the time, and in true Lady Writes fashion I got the hump with him and made sure he knew it.

But since then it has been on my mind. Because, well quite frankly, shouldn’t you ONLY marry someone who’s your best friend? Call me simple-minded (my friends do) but what are you going to do when you’re wrinkly, old and unable to perform in the bedroom?

And what about the times when things go wrong, when work stress is mahoosive, when you’re facing the loss of a loved one, a financial crisis, a missed sale at Mulberry…whatever awful thing life throws at you. You know the times, when literally sex is the very last thing on your mind – the times it’s okay to want nothing more than to ask for your significant other to put a caring arm around you, kiss your head and hold you tight. Not try and get his freak on. Don’t you need more than physical attraction and sexual desire to build a marriage/lifetime together?

I wouldn’t be able to spend my life with someone unless they were the person I called in an emergency (I’m talking blown tyre on the M1, not a missed sale item at Selfridges). The person you settle down with should be (in my opinion) the first person you want to talk to when things go wrong – or right. That amazing bit of news? You want to pick up the phone and blabber in excitement. That disastrous meeting at the kid’s school – you want to mouth off and get them to share in your frustration.

To me, sharing a life with someone needs to be based on so, SO much more than sexual attraction. Without friendship, companionship and depth surely it’s just a shallow existence that won’t survive the smallest of flames?

Obviously great sex is imperative too. Who wants to spend their life having bad sex anyway? (Not me) I love it as much as the next girl, but sex with the person you’re settling down with should be insane, attractive, desire driven, but also the ultimate act of intimacy – the sort you would only want to share with someone you truly loved, someone who’s also your best friend…

Don’t get me wrong. I could be wrong. Totally and utterly wrong. Maybe that’s where I have been going wrong my whole life – maybe I should be focussing on finding a man who’s more interested in sex than building depth of relationship…but somehow I don’t think I am wrong.

Without sex the walls of a relationship fall, leaving a wide open gap where the intimacy just leaks out. But without depth, friendship and companionship there is no foundation for those walls of intimacy to be placed on anyway.


Wednesday, 19 August 2015

10 Ways To Survive A Break-Up

I’ve been through my share of break-up’s. Haven’t we all?! So I’ve learnt what works and what doesn’t to help dull the pain that pounds in your heart (other than Renee).

1. Binge. Find a new show, buy the boxset or sign up for Netflix and binge on it. Constantly. Those crappy evenings when you’re on your own and suddenly your house feels mahoosive and empty without your ex? Well, cram that time with as many episodes as you can possibly squeeze into every waking moment. I recommend something along the action line, nothing like a bit of mindless violence to help cure a broken heart. Avoid anything with a romantic storyline. Not good .

2. Eat. A lot. No point even attempting a diet in this time. You’re already miserable, why make it worse? You want cake? Eat cake. Plus it’s actually really hard to cry when you’re eating something yummy. Trust me. Even if you don’t feel hungry, buy the things you love…except in the first few days…you probably won’t eat a lot then and your Chinese will totally go to waste (yes, this happened to me at the weekend-boo. I still begrudge Mr W that Chinese.)

3.Make a playlist. And I’m not talking about the type that make you hate the world (and your ex) even more. No, leave the slow, tear inducing tracks well alone. Build a playlist that celebrates being a strong, independent woman! I recommend things like “Leave, Get Out” by Jojo, “No Scrubs” by TLC and “Do my thing” by Miley Cyrus (no I don’t like her, but the song is great for this season of life! Once the playlist is ready, listen to it at every opportunity-subliminally if needs be!

4.Say ‘yes’ to everything. Every time someone ask you to do something – say yes. Your social life will explode, in a great way. Just make sure you write everything on the calendar, otherwise you’ll forget everything. Don’t know the girls in the other department that well and they suggest drinks when they hear about your break up? Say yes! You’ve got absolutely nothing to lose, except another crappy night at home feeling rubbish (thanks LJ!)

5. Lean on your friends. They love you. No matter if this is your first or fifteenth break-up, they love you and hate to see you hurting. They are happy to be your soundboard. They will be there every step of the way. Whether they are in your house every evening, or constantly there on Whatsapp (love you #SHS) your friends should support you like mine have/are. My best friend is currently monitoring my progress, apparently I’m allowed to eat cheesecake for dinner (last night) and things like that this week, but next week it’s not allowed. That’s true friendship right there.

6. Get a new hair-did. Stereotypical but yes, new hair make you feel like a million dollars…on the outside. And hey, you can ignore the inner pain a little bit if the outside looks fabulous darling! I’m all for radical change (I once cut my elbow length hair into a chin length bob after a break-up) but hey, a trim and some highlights would be fine too if that’s your thing.

7. Delete his number. Unfriend him on social media. Delete the painful photo’s. Yes, really. It’s going to stunt your emotional re-growth. Who wants to see how much he doesn’t miss you, how many new girls he’s meeting and how little he really cares/cared about you? Delete the links and move on. Chances are, if you weren’t friends before then you won’t be friends after. A clean break is always best…hire a hit man if needed to ensure.

8. Make sure you have things to look forward to. That trip to New York you were planning? Price it up anyway. Can’t find anyone to go with you? Price it up for one. Nothing wrong with a bit of solo-travelling for a week or two. Don’t let splitting up with someone stop you doing the things you wanted to do. No, you can’t share the memories with them, but you can’t change that. Don’t miss out on life because they aren’t intelligent enough to want to share more memories with you. It’s their loss.

9. Don’t use alcohol to numb the pain. Well, not all the time. Make sure you’ve got wine in and if you want it, then have a glass or two after work. But don’t take it to the extreme that you’re filling your work water bottle up with voddy. Because seriously, no man is worth alcoholism. Promise. Try to aim for the weekends and you’ll realise you don’t need to numb the pain with alcohol (the Prozac works fine on its own).

10. Do the things that make you feel good. That’s different for us all. Personally I love putting music on full blast and dancing around in my pj’s. I like hot bubble baths while watching Netflix with my laptop balanced on top of the toilet. I like doodling, I like snuggly socks and comfy blankets. I like eating desserts for dinner. So I have been doing these things, and you should too. You don’t need another person to make you happy, you can find happiness in the bubbles, the bottle or the boogie.

So. Breaking up isn’t easy to do. It’s not acceptable to fall apart, no man is worth that – whether you were together three weeks or thirty years. Another person never deserves to ruin your happiness. It’s perfectly acceptable to use the recovery time to do crazy, have fun, weep, laugh and go with the flow. No-one has expectations of you when you’re hurting (except maybe your boss, landlord and bank, but hey, you get the gist). Time heals (apparently) and while you’re waiting for the pieces of your heart to be gaffa-taped back together again, make sure you, do you. 

Sunday, 9 August 2015

Things I Learned on Holiday

Having just returned from an amazing week in Malta with Mr W, I have found myself completely relaxed, chilled out to the max and full of writing inspiration (yay!)

Now, I can't pretend that our holiday was a mass of history, culture and education... although we did go on a historic day trip, so it kind of counts. However, this holiday did teach me lots of things - lots of very important life 'things'...

1. Drinking cocktails all day is perfectly acceptable. It's also perfectly acceptable to start drinking them from 10am when the poolside bar opens. "When in Rome"(Malta) so they say.

2. The 'perfect body' doesn't exist. Sitting on a sun lounger people watching in-between chapters of your book is better when you have dark sunglasses on to conceal your intrigue. After realising I hadn't worn a bikini in public since my son was born (yep, nearly five years ago) I was a little nervy about this. The last five years has produced some amazing bodies...I'm talking the Kardashian hips and butt, the Beyonce curves and the Hollywood smile. Sitting on my sun lounger, sipping cocktails I realised these bodies aren't real! Hurrah for the revelation! Those bodies are fake, created by surgeons for the rich and famous who live with all the same niggling insecurities. They just have the money to do something about it. Normal people (a.k.a 99% of the population) have normal bodies. Some have lumps and bumps, some are too wide, too skinny, no curves, child bearing hips, no shape, scars etc. This is normal, this is okay. We all have things we would change, and most of the time no-one else notices, that's what makes all our bodies beautiful, even with our individual differences. I have the body of someone who's had a child, and yet as I realised that the 'perfect body' doesn't exist (except for those European sixteen year olds who have yet to have babies, or learn what curves are) and it gave me so, SO much more body confidence. Walking around in my bikini - in public - was a strut, not a skulk. Hu-flipping-rah!

3. It's okay to take gorgeous wedges, heels and various stunning summer shoes away with you, and actually find that you don't wear any of them - favouring your trusty flip flops, even for meals out. Comfort wins over fashion in 40 degrees.

4. Frizzy hair. It can't be tamed, it's like a rebellious teenager. It's downright annoying but the relief from tying it up all the time, keeping your neck cool is a sensation matched my little.

5. Couples argue on holiday. It's normal. Having been a while since I went on holiday with someone I loved, it was almost like the first time. The odd argument is normal, fuelled by heat exhaustion and cocktails since 10am. I learned this by watching numerous other couples argue (in public) trying to keep their points of view under their breath, but failing to disguise the fact that they wanted to hurtle their drinks, snacks or sun cream at their other half. It's reassuring to know that the odd argument is shared universally by all!

6. Pizza in Malta leaves a lot to be desired. It's therefore perfectly fine to come home and crave pizza, to a degree you've never known before. God bless the Italians for creating it.

7. Queen sized beds are all fun and games when it's hot and sweaty at night, but it's okay to prefer your little double bed because then Mr W is actually within cuddle reach. Who wants so much space that it feels like you're sleeping alone?! Not me, I'll take my human radiator and night time cuddles over space any day.

8. The European's may do tans much better than us Brits. However, their tea is foul. Full on, hold-your-nose-and-swallow foul. Praise for PG tips.

9. It's okay to snigger to yourself when your book is hilarious. You may look like you're on day release from the looney bin, but who cares?

10. Boys are addicted to football. Going on holiday means you have to embrace this, or surgically remove their phone from their hands.

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