Tuesday, 30 June 2015

"I'm a choice, not an option"

Every morning I wake up with a cup of tea in bed and read Elite Daily. Other than waking up next to Mr Wonderful, it's my favourite way to start the day. The articles are fab, spot on for my mentality and I love the style their contributors use. You could say that I'm a full blown Elite fan.

So this morning the article that caught my eye was "Don't Pick Me: Why I'd Rather Be Alone Than In A Cheaters Company" by Hanna Mallette. Just the juicy way I like to start my day!

Reading the article, I wanted to applaud, and personally congratulate Hanna, on writing such a fab-it's-amazing-to-be-a-woman post. But by the time I reached the end, I felt a mixture of pride for my fellow women everywhere, and also absolutely indignant at the same time.

The article basically says that if a guy is going to cheat, then he's not worth it - obvs.

"If there is ever a situation where you feel you need to pick between me and someone else, don’t you dare pick me." Writes Mallet.

I loved the way she describes herself, and all of us, as a choice, and not an option. She's right because ultimately I wouldn't be with someone who classed me as an option rather than their choice. An option implies more than one, and I'm not going to be with someone to whom I'm anything but their first, and only current choice.

To me, cheating is the ultimate betrayal in a relationship. Really, what else could cut like that knife?

Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be best pleased if my man ruined my Louboutins, or finished the Bombay Sapphire, but that I may be able to forgive... (maybe). I'm quite forgiving, so most things I'm prepared to work through, but cheating isn't one of them. I used to believe in second chances when it came to this, but now I don't. I realised years ago that if someone has the capacity to hurt you that way, they have the capacity to hurt you in every other way just as much - and who wants a lifetime of misery? It's either a testament to their lack of morals as a person, or painfully, a testament to their lack of feelings for me. So, ultimately there would be no going back for me.

Cheating. It's unforgivable. Everyone knows this. If your feelings are strong enough, you don't do it. If they aren't, you're happy to take the risk. So, when I read that Mallette said that "sometimes cheating is inevitable" I nearly dropkicked my Mac through the window.

No it isn't!

If cheating really was (sometimes) inevitable, then what the hell are we all doing in monogamous relationships - lets just go and have sex with anyone and everyone who takes our fancy. Hell, if it's inevitable, why even bother?

Yes. People change, they grow apart. We've all been there. And yes, it's true that sometimes during relationships our partners might not always meet our 'desires' - for example, my desire might be to get drunk and silly in the garden, go and watch a non-man-friendly chick film at the cinema, or even just to go to bed early once in a while. If my partner disagreed with these, or didn't meet these desires, is it my excuse to go and cheat on him? I know that's a very flexible answer, but even so, if he kept not meeting my desires, would that meant he deserved being cheated on? NO.

Cheating is not inevitable. There is no excuse. If you're unhappy, work harder to be happy. Relationships aren't easy. The real ones, the ones that last, are the ones that take as much hard work as happiness. Nothing worth having ever came easy. So if you're growing apart, make the effort to grow through things together. You might not have the same taste in fashion, or politics, but you can support each other through changes like this. Thats the very bottom line of what a relationship should be for.

So, if you're unhappy - work harder. But sadly sometimes this isn't enough and I know this first hand. I'm of the opinion that people give up way too easily (speaking from my own personal experience too) but I wouldn't ever judge anyone on this. Only us as individuals can truly say whether we've tried our hardest to salvage a failing relationship, or whether we just let it wither and die because it was easier. I say this because I've let things go too easily myself and not because i'm condemning anyone else. So yes, sometimes relationships don't work. You meet all the wrong people, until you meet the right one, hey? That means, if you're unhappy - leave. Don't prolong the agony, don't cheat. A failing relationship isn't an excuse, or a reason to cheat. It's a reason to make yourself happy again - without hurting anyone else, any more than necessary. I refuse to be of the opinion that it's inevitable, acceptable or understandable in any way.
I totally agree that if a partner cheats, it's means you're probably not right for each other, although I expect there will be the odd exception to the rule. And yes, I loved the end of the article which screams of the strength we as women possess, especially in the face of horrific heartache... yes we will be better versions of ourselves if we're cheated on, yes we will be stronger, yes we will learn and yes we will eventually come to the realisation that the right person for us wouldn't ever inflict that sort of searing pain on us. But I'm sorry Mallette, cheating for any rhyme or reason is wrong. I wouldn't do it, and I think the only person worse than a cheater, is the cheater who tries to justify the deed with the reasons in your article.

I'm all for solidarity, and go-women-we-rock, but if we give excuses for cheating, I kind of think we're asking for it. 

Which I'm not. So thanks, but no thanks. I won't be re-thinking my lack of sympathy for cheaters any time soon.


Wednesday, 24 June 2015

The Trouble With Girls

We've all encountered them. We all know someone who's dealing with them, someone who's been heartbroken because of them, or even, someone who is one of them.

No matter whether you're single, or in a relationship, we've all encountered these girls in one way or another.

I call them girls, because in my current opinion they aren't deserving of the "lady" or even "woman" title. Far from mature or moral, they deserve the title of "girls" because they act like them - not like the grown women they should be.

It may sound harsh, and to be fair, it probably is. However, I'm not being totally catty, I've just never had a good experience with this type of girl before. I'm sure they could be very nice people. Okay, I'm sure they could be average people. Average, yes.

I'm talking about the girls who know a guy is taken/spoken for, and yet it does nothing to put them off. In fact, lots of these girls actually try harder when they know their target is spoken for. They're the girls who sleep with your mates boyfriend, who flirt behind their boyfriend's back, who text guys with girlfriends...basically the girls who don't do the normal thing and back off when someone is off the market.

I've known many in time - personally and through friends. One was particularly prolific in the dating/sleeping around arena, and the amount of girls who would text, call, flirt, physically touch and try and kiss him, was ridiculous.
I remember one girl being less than a metre away and sending my boyfriend (at the time) a topless photo of herself. She knew I could see, she just had no morals. Or class. She also clearly had a death wish, because at 19 I was particularly feisty, with no problem in marking my territory. She's lucky she didn't get my vodka over her horrible, fake boobs...I did do the graceful thing and walked away (with a fantastic evil glare going in her direction every so often). It was only after months of her behaviour, when she phoned my boyfriend in the middle of the night, begging for sex, when we were on holiday, that I put an end to it. Well, when we got back from holiday I did, and she was never heard from again. Happy days. (Please note, I warned her off in no uncertain terms, I didn't hire a hit-man).

Or there's the girl I know who was head over heels with this guy who had a long term partner (so did she). They had an intense chemistry and somehow something developed, and basically over a few years they slept together a handful of times. It wasn't ongoing, but every so often they couldn't resist. Now, he was as bad as her, but ultimately she knew he wasn't hers and she did it anyway. She also did it without feeling the least bit guilty. Yes her boyfriend was a turd, but still, cheating is cheating - as I told her at the time. It ended in tears anyway as it never worked out, even when they did split up with their partners.

Or there is the girl who currently makes me want to slap her with an etiquette Bible. From the outside, she's a nice girl. She's pretty, she's come from a good family, had a good upbringing, she's well spoken, she's fun...for all intents and purpose, she seems a nice girl. However, this girl has a penchant for sleeping with boys (not men - notice what I did there) who aren't hers. Not only are they not hers, they're someone else's. She flirts with anything with a penis, she takes someones relationship declaration to be a sign on 'game-on' and generally gives us females a bad name. She's also very vocal about her conquests, she talks about the men she's slept with, what their capabilities were, what size their manhood was, what size she wants, what she doesn't like...all in front of anyone who'll listen. Where's the class in that darling? I'm all for a good chat about man-parts, but only with my besets friends, not random people I meet in a bar.

Men often wonder why us women can be, have a tendency to be, or occasionally (whichever bracket you fall in to) jealous, paranoid, or maybe even insecure. The truth is, as women, we know what women are capable of. We know what these girls are like, because if we wanted to be, we could all be like that. The difference is, that girls choose that life, and us women don't. We choose elegance, grace and class. We aren't perfect, but we don't break girl-code and we certainly avoid the 'home-wrecker' label at all costs.

Ladies, here's to us.

Girls, grow up.


Saturday, 20 June 2015

Beautiful Waiting

I love the sound of rain, especially at night when it's warm enough to have the windows open. I love feeling cosy, with a cup of tea, and fluffy socks and candles. I love the smell of lilies and clean linen and I make sure my house always smells like this.

I love the cold side of the pillow in the morning, and the feel of the breeze on my face, coming through the window as I wake up. I love thunder storms. I love baths with Molton Brown bubble bath, especially 'Heavenly Gingerly'. I love clean bedsheets. I love watching my son daydream. I love scented candles.

I love shoes - the beautiful kind, and handbags - the expensive-yet-I-can't-ever-afford-to-actually-buy-them kind. I love long eyelashes. I love painted nails, especially in pale pink. I love Pandora rings, Links of London bracelets and anything sparkly and elegant looking. I love my tattoo.

I love poetry. I love words, in whatever form they take. I love to write, read, talk - any way I can get words, I will take them. There's nothing more beautiful than words. I love journalling. I love scrapbooking. I love decorating, and making things look pretty.

I love melodic music. I love lyrics that mean something and a sound that touches my soul. I love pop songs that make me want to dance and sing cheesy lyrics. I love laughter - mine, someone elses, anyones - I just love it. I love memories - remembering and making. I love photos.

I love my story. I love my son. I love my friends - new and old. I love my family. I love that I've loved, and that I've lost. I love that I'm strong. I love that people inspire me, they motivate me. I love that I've hit rock bottom twice and both times I've come back stronger. I love that I know when I'm weak, and when I'm not. I love when I can smile at things that once hurt me. I love that I can look at painful memories as lessons. I love that I see the best in people. I love that I always see the potential in those around me, even when they don't. I love that I put other people before myself, even when it sometimes backfires. I love that I can forgive and move on. I love that I'm a totally different person now compared to 2, 5, 10 years ago.

I love being sentimental. I love that things touch me and are never forgotten. I love serenity. I love sunsets, and picturesque moments. I love new places, big cities, small villages and I love to people watch.

I love diet coke. I love cake. I love the gym. I love Michael Kors watches, even though everyone has them. I love that I've got a bucket list. I love the idea of going to New York. I love Christmas. I love summer evenings in the garden with a great bottle of wine.

I love where I'm at.

It might not be perfect. It might not look how I expected it to. But I love it. I chose this life, and this life chose me.

I've spent too much of my life waiting. Waiting for the right man to share things with - to work through my bucket list with, to make memories with. Waiting for the dream job. Waiting for the day I can afford the things I want. Waiting for the days when the past doesn't hurt, and the pain from the old scars doesn't hurt anymore.

Waiting is a waste. It's propels us to look forward with heightened levels of hope, expectation and desire - levels that aren't real, and then we end up waiting again, and again.

The real beauty is now. The real beauty is found in the things we love. The things WE love - you, and I. Happiness is found in the now, when you realise it may look different, but it's yours. It's your reality.

Waiting for a partner, someone to love, a dream to come true, a season to change...it's all overlooking the real beauty of your life. Life can be hard, painful and torturous. But there's beauty there too - beautiful flowers bloom where they're planted.


Thursday, 11 June 2015

What DO Men Want?

So, if you read my previous post 'What DO Women Want' then you'll know that I'm trying to make it really easy to explain my thoughts on this confusing, perplexing and oftentimes, downright impossible-to-answer question.

As I've said before, as women, we are often told that we  are the difficult ones to figure out. (I like to think my previous post rubbished those accusations - in your face, men of the world!) So, while I was thinking about what women want, I also spent time deciphering what men want. And here's what I've come up with...

I know it's cheesy, and I hate the song, but men really do want "a lady in the street, but a freak in the bed". (Please don't hate me for quoting that). Men want the woman they can take home to meet their parents, the one who's classy, who doesn't show her ass cheeks and boobs on a night out. They want a girl with style, and grace, they want the girl who's beautiful - not the girl who's 'hot'. The sort of girl who's intelligent, confident but not cocky. Basically they want the Aubrey Heburn's of the world. Then on the flip side, they want their beautiful, classy girl to be an absolute game changer in the bedroom. Lets be honest,  men want a lady who can blow (pardon the pun) their mind in bed. Someone who will try new things, mix it up, take them by surprise, take the lead once in a while etc etc. Life's too short for boring sex after all.

Men also want the woman who's 'wifey material'. I know this overlaps with some of the above (in the classy category) but I will always remember asking my ex what it was about me that he loved, especially when so many other girl threw themselves at him. He told me it was because I was 'wifey material'. I know we don't live in the 50's, and we're all for equality and all that (yes, I appreciate that we get to vote) but some things shouldn't/don't change. I think men want the woman who's going to look after them. They want the woman who's going to do all she can to make him happy, even if that means cooking (sometimes) and cleaning. Even worse, it means ironing!  I think it's down to men being a bunch of mummies boys (I say this with affection, as I am the mother of a son). According to my ex, the definition of 'wifey material' is the girl you wouldn't take home to f*** but the girl you take the time to date first. So yes, I think they all want that deep down.

I also think that men want to be able to feel free. I have no idea why men have this opinion of relationships being like confinement! They seem to think "it pins them down" and that they can't ever have fun again. This drives me insane! I don't want a man to stop spending time with his friends, anymore than I would want to stop. The problem often occurs when men struggle to reign in their 'party boy' lifestyle, after all who wants a boyfriend who spends all weekend, every weekend either drunk or so hungover he's as much use as a chocolate teapot? Us trying to get some of their time, appears to them like we want all of their time, which isn't usually the case. So (I digress) men want a woman who lets them feel free enough to still spend time with their mates, go to football etc. However, they do want the security of a relationship, so this one is like asking Jack to give you his magic beans. It's a difficult one to balance, but with lots of clenched teeth, girlfriends to moan to and plenty of vino, it can be done and a balance can be achieved. It just takes time. I just think men like to think they can have it all (even when in reality they can't), so where's the harm in letting them believe that?

Sunday, 7 June 2015

What DO Women Want?


This is an interesting one, and I'm going to jump straight in - what do men and women really want?

Quite often the question is asked about us women - what do we want? Apparently the male sex think that this is incredibly difficult to answer, which totally baffles and somewhat amuses me. It's really not that difficult. Women want fidelity, romance and a mix of all things fun and serious (just not at the same time). Then we each have the odd extra requirement too, mine for example is a penchant for Bombay Sapphire and the ability to make me want to rip their clothes off at any given moment. Some women may want a man who shops, a man who doesn't wear socks and sandals - me? I'm all about the gin, and the chemistry turned up as high as possible.

But overall, I think us women are easy to suss out. Mostly because, if you ask us, we'll tell you, there's no messing around. Going back to the individual things that all women want, let me clarify - different women want varying degrees of these things, but I think all women want these things on some level.

Firstly, fidelity. No-one wants a cheater. And boys, for the record - flirting is cheating's ugly sister. Women want to be able to trust their man, we don't want to stay up at night worrying if you've found your way to the local trollops house. Likewise, we don't want you to flirt with girls, text other girls and generally flaunt your manhood. Friends who are female are fine, but don't cross that line - you know where it is. You may not cheat per-say, but if you wouldn't do it (flirting) in front of us, then it's usually a sign that it's crossing the boundaries - so avoid/abort. We will be faithful to you, all we ask is you do the same. Fidelity means watching you say no to another woman, and only have eyes for us...this works in your favour - do you know how hot it is to watch you turn the other women away, in favour of holding our hand and making googly-eyes with us? Yep - sure fire way to get the best sex of your life when you get home. It's win/win really.

Secondly - romance. Again, on some level we all want this, although admittedly we will have widely differing views on what actually classes as 'romance'. For example, we're not all 12-red-roses-delivered-to-the-office-on-Valentines-day kind of girls. However, some of us are - and that's okay! Some girls class romance as their man telling them how beautiful they are, pouring their wine, sending affectionate messages/emails/letters. And some women class romance as candles, rose petals and a bubble bath together. Then there's the girls who class romance as playing Call of Duty together...I have yet to meet this species of female, but I'm assured they exist..and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. For me, romance is affection and attention. I love big grand gestures, don't get me wrong, when one guy genuinely offered to fly me to New York for our first date, I literally nearly swooned so far off my seat that I was practically two floors down before I came round. But, overall romance for me is a text in the morning and last thing at night, the odd text throughout the day, it's phone calls to say I'm missed, appreciated and loved. It's walking hand in hand and being stopped and kissed...it's those things, the every day things that are important to me...So yes, romance. Romance is key.

Thirdly (and kind of fourthly) is the ability to have fun and be serious. No, not at the same time. But all women need a man we can rely on. A man who knows the importance of paying bills and can hold a conversation about the deeper things in life - we don't want a man who thinks that the most recent piece of world news is that the Spice Girls split up. We don't want boring (okay, some of us do - remember, that's okay) but we need you to be able to sit in front of our parents and not talk about the football scores and kebabs all the time. On the flip side, we need fun too! Again, everyone's idea of fun is different, but we all need and want fun in our lives. No-one has time for a relationship without fun, right? If your idea of fun is train spotting, then that's okay, likewise if you're into snowboarding down mountains naked, backwards - that's cool too. Me personally I'm more into a guy who can let his hair down and enjoy a night out, and someone who likes the odd board game with vino just as much. Someone who makes me laugh, and entertains me with sarcasm is my idea of fun. But generally, we all need fun in our lives and relationships. It's not hard to figure out what we do for fun though boys!

I do also appreciate a man with a penchant for Bombay Sapphire and a man who I am so attracted to that I can't keep my thoughts in line. These are important for me. Okay the Gin one is a joke (kind of). But the attraction one is quite important, I've been in some relationships where I've been attracted to the guy, but not rip-his-clothes-off kind of attracted. With Mr Wonderful it's the most intense chemistry that I've ever had, and I wouldn't ever settle for less again....It's also quite important that a man has ten fingers and toes...

So really, I don't think we ask for much. And I certainly don't think that we are asking for anything too complex! So why, oh why, is it so hard for men to grasp?

Next article to follow - what do men want?
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